Many people in our area have experimented with polyamory (having multiple intimate relationships) and other alternative lifestyles - we will discuss the lifestyle and its advantages and disadvantages. Whether you are poly-experienced, poly-curious, or poly-sceptical, this should prove to be an interesting meeting for all.
Our discussion will be focused more on actual experience, and less on theory or opinion. The evening will include a "fishbowl discussion", where those with questions can anonymously ask those with experience what they want to know. And as with the last few meetings, we will take some time for our coffeehouse format, where you can discuss the topic in smaller informal groups. Please bring some tasty snacks or drinks to share during the discussion. I hope you will join us.
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I have alot of questions. Perhaps some people can respond if they have experience with this. Does everyone have the same amount of 'urge to merge',but just don't act on it due to societal restrictions? Or, is it just people like us? Are we just 'needy' in general? Do we need more touching, more attention? I wonder how many poly people are really satisfied with their physical appearance, and hence more relaxed about being seen in a more 'public' genre. (By multiple partners). I wonder how many poly people were sexually abused as kids, or not? I wonder how many poly people had their intimacy needs met as children? Bonding, attachment needs? I wonder if poly stuff is a possible addiction to intensity? If so, what will I do next when the thrill wears off? I don't have answers to these questions, and I am not making any judgments, I am trying to figure out for myself where I might fit into this array of intimate possibilites. Thanks.
Several interesting questions and I'll reply to a few...maybe in separate comments in case someone wants to respond further to simply that one thread.
Yes.....many poly people often need more touching, more attention and so do many non-poly people. Poly people reach for this touching and attention through friendships and ethical relationships. Non-poly people reach for this touching and attention through friendships and ethical relationships and also through cheating or secretive relationships. That is where I see the difference....not in some extra neediness.
Anonymous said "I wonder how many poly people are really satisfied with their physical appearance, and hence more relaxed about being seen in a more 'public' genre. (By multiple partners).
My reply....in the 5 years or so that I've been hanging around poly people I've not noticed a preponderance of people who seem "really satisfied" with their physical appearance, any more so than in people in general. Being poly or having poly relationships is not about "physical appearance" or being seen in public. In reality there are poly people/couples/triads who may never be "seen" at group activities whether because they are too busy or just not interested in socializing or just happy to simply socialize within their poly connection(s).
At the same time I will admit to having met some poly folk who seemed to me to be a bit "appearance proud" about actually being seen in public with multiple partners....not in the sense of physical appearance but still focused on how others "see" them.
Anonymous asked "Does everyone have the same amount of 'urge to merge',but just don't act on it due to societal restrictions?"
Although I suspect that there are those who would probably point to scientific studies that would answer yes to the first part of this question and say that the 'urge to merge' is genetically coded in us, I somehow end up always hanging around those who are on the sides of the bell curve in such studies and I would answer 'no'.
It seems to me that even 'if' we are born with the same genetic underlying 'urge to merge' as a part of preserving our species, that the 'urge' is modified by many things. Some of these factors are physical, some are emotional, some are nutritional, some may even be intellectual. We may at times be so busy 'surviving' that we don't have time or interest in pursuing 'merging'.
At the same time I will say that I do think that there are also those who are physically and emotionally and nutritionally and intellectually ready to follow their "urge to merge"...and more specifically to be involved in poly relationships....who don't do so because of actual or perceived societal restrictions/attitudes.
Anonymous said 'I wonder if poly stuff is a possible addiction to intensity? If so, what will I do next when the thrill wears off?'
my reply....there is a term often used by poly people but it really applies to any relationship. The term is "new relationship energy" or NRE. NRE is a wonderful and powerful thing and indeed adds intensity to a new relationship. And I believe that there are poly people who do seek that intensity...that NRE....and thus are often wanting to add new relationships to their lives once they aren't feeling the NRE in their current relationship(s).
However there are also poly people (and I include myself in this latter group) who feel that it is possible to keep an intensity of relationship energy in a relationship even when it isn't NRE anymore. I like to call it CRE (continuing relationship energy) or some such acronym since people like acronyms so much. Cultivating something like CRE is how one keeps a relationship alive and exciting and the cultivation can be just as much fun (often more so) and intense at times as cultivating NRE.
And I also would like to point out that when one becomes involved with more than one partner, there is indeed the potential for more 'drama' to occur. Many poly relationships are relatively drama-free......but many are not. And I personally believe that there are indeed some poly people who seem to thrive on there being drama in their relationships....almost as though they are 'addicted' (using anonymous' term) to the drama. However I also believe that the same drama would be happening if these people were in a non-poly relationship.....being poly just gives them more of a venue for their drama.
along the lines of the above comments, i have wondered ..is being poly an intrinsic characteristic or preference , or way we happen to be hard-wired? or is it more of a choice? and as such, can it be compared with being gay or straight? or being introverted or extroverted? or liking scary movies or not?
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